22 Ellen Court

For anyone who was truly part of my family growing up, you know we had a beautiful home that my father built in the Poconos.. You probably also know, that it tragically burnt down, nearly 20 years ago. There are no words to explain how special it was to grow up there.. and make memories with all who had the privilege of visiting it. I recently connected with our neighbor, who had purchased our land.. and while skiing in the poconos with my friends – I stopped in, to take a walk around. The closure it brought me, will never be able to be explained.

Here’s to a new one..

When two recently single women, and a recent California transplant move in to a house together.. things are bound to get interesting.  To kick this off – we decided to have a little (huge) housewarming party, and celebrate with some fireball (& just about any other liquor you can imagine).  Here’s the result.

Because I’m happyyyy!

…and it would appear, overnight, I’m living the life I always wanted.

Suddenly (or perhaps it was being conspired by the universe for quite some time) all of the opportunities I needed, presented themselves at just the right moment.. And now I’m on the ride of my lifetime.

I think I used to see myself as a person floating alone – I had close friends.. Friends that were married with kids, boyfriends, fiances.. which left me sitting alone on weekends. I think we’re all alone, in a sense. Surrounded by our loved ones, always – but on our own in the world. It’s perspective. I was looking at myself lonely and alone – but now, I see myself as adventurous and unstoppable and alone. Alone, I’ll make new friends. Alone, I’ll get my apartment. Alone, I’ll go to the American Comedy Awards and be a seat filler (yeah, that happened). The unknown, alone. How very exciting.

My life is unveiling itself slowly – and it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed it could be. And, while these moments – like so many things in life – may be fleeting.. We must remember to just LIVE in them. Enjoy them for what theyre worth.

Quite the cryptic entry. Apologies.

Just know you are the pilot. You’re in the driver seat for your own life. While you need the circumstances/opportunity to first present itself – make sure when it arrives you run with it.. Take it as far as it can go, and make it everything you want it to be. Sometimes we can’t control our circumstances.. And it’s really easy to feel sorry for yourself. But chin up! Everything, in time. Absolutely everything.

I just want some one to say to me, I’ll always be there when you wake..

So I suppose even though there were no false ‘sparks’ – it was still all bullshit.. ?

Mr. Wonderful has went AWAL.

A month ago, I’m sitting there on our first date – across from this gorgeous man.. we talk so much that the time has totally escaped us.  He makes comments about when I meet his mother, and asks me mid-date, when he can see me again.  Two weeks later I’m doing dishes in his sink in a big sweater and cozy socks (he bought for me) – and we’ve just spent the day running errands, and eating dinner with his brother’s family and neighbors. I pause for a moment to feel happy in this minute. Before we went to bed one night, he says to me, ‘Nothing you can say or do can scare me off – this is all exciting.’  Two weeks after that, he’s no longer speaking to me (blatantly ignoring me, in fact) for reasons unbeknownst to myself.  How we went from laying together in bed all day, talking for hours, and staring at one another – to this – I dont know. I can only guess some emotional instability.. perhaps another girl? or maybe just plain boredom – regardless – this is not normal behavior.  In fact, it’s a total mind fuck.

But, its within these moments.. the ones I try to savor – that I think: how sad.  How sad, that I’ve been reduced to these moments.  That bad guy, after bad guy, has come traipsing through my life – to train me to simply live in these moments (and, what’s worse is I really didn’t see this one coming).  I can consciously recall laying next to him, looking at him, and around his well-decorated house, thinking ‘I love this. I’m happy. I dont want this to end’..  and then.. it did.

All we want at the end of the day is NOT for someone to say: I’m still here, I want to be here, and I’m not going anywhere.. but rather, them say it, and actually mean it.  I think that’s all we’re ever looking for..  Right?  Relationships.. Marriage.. Friendships – All revolve around trust, and the simple decision to say ‘hey, I like you, lets take this ride together’.  And, sometimes it’s that fear I spoke about in my previous post, that gets in our way of taking a leap into the unknown with someone.. Because, well, it’s unknown. So many ‘what ifs’ stand in the way.  So much pressure you’re putting on yourself.  When really, it’s all just a trust-fall – and if you sit there and over think all of the reasons not to lean back – you’ll never let-go.  There’s never a right time for any of it.. And, although willing to fall.. I apparently didn’t have the right partner.

But here’s the take-away – here’s my very real and current challenge – learning to accept an apology you’re never going to get. This man has fallen off the face of the earth (in fact, he couldn’t even find it within himself to respond to my ‘Happy New Year’ text), and I’m not even angry about it – as much as I’m just sad, disappointed, and ultimately confused.  Now, my job is to find comfort in the silence. I’ve decided, when met with such disregard this way, the only choice is to forgive.  Forgive in your heart – NOT for them.. You have to do it for yourself.  Carrying around that open-ended situation, is not going to get you anywhere.  So, after a week of running over and over the situation in my head.. Driving myself crazy.. Trying to get him to just talk to me.. Thinking about if I could go back in time to change one variable it would ultimately change this whole outcome – I give up.  I’m letting it go. I recognize now that this whole situation is out of my control. The only thing I can control, is my reaction. 

So, when met with silence, forgive.  Know this is not a YOU issue, but a THEM one, and roll on babe. And, when met with something really amazing – close your eyes, stop thinking, take a deep breath, and fall baby.