Have a fearless new year.

 

Well 2013, you suck. Just when I thought I was being rewarded for have surviving your suckiness, you managed to suck even more ! You truly sucked all the way to the very end. Congrats on that. 


Reflecting on some sort of resolution, I feel overwhelmed by things I am putting off, things I want to accomplish. I feel it is the plight of the ambitious – that we have all of these ideas and dreams we’re chasing – which causes us to be overwhelmed, and in turn, not do anything at all. So my goal in 2014, as my career finally settles where it should, I think it’s time to focus on some of my dreams, my big ideas, my goals. But maybe this isn’t a post about goals and dreams – maybe it’s about what prevents them: fear. 

What is that cliche line.. You may not see the whole staircase, but just take the first step.

 Isn’t that always the case ? We think so far in to the future, about all of the things that could go wrong, and that creates fear.. So we give up entirely on everything. You might be missing out on some great adventure. And, what’s the worst that could happen really? You fail? You’ll get right back up, and everything will work itself out. That’s life.

Fear is in our heads. We overthink situations, and create this negative vibe. Some of us (myself included) will create entire story lines, or complete situations. Like when you’re going to get a tattoo – you imagine it to be this awful, terrible pain – but when you’re finally in the chair you realize – oh, this isn’t how I imagined it would be. It might still hurt, but this is a lot less scary than I imagined. 

We are getting in our own way. 

When you let this fear win, you miss out on chances, life’s opportunities, relationships. So stop feeding your fear. Stop letting it win. Leave it in 2013. And, take a chance for once. Who knows where it will lead ? You will be invigorated by the rush of stepping out of your comfort zone. And, even more rewarded when something is accomplished. 

Good luck to you all in 2014! 

Here’s hoping it’s better than the last. 

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Put the luggage down, stay awhile.

 So, it would seem the ongoing theme between me and my gal pals this week has been: baggage.  And, not the cute Louis Vuitton kind, you wouldn’t mind people see you tote around town. We’re talking the ugly, emotional kind.

The topic came up, because a few of us are entering some new territory, with some new men who’s pasts are sort of mysterious to us.  I can personally say, I don’t know much about my newbie’s past – and I think it should stay that way.

He and I were out to dinner one night, and I was asking him the basics.. how long he’s been single, how long they were together. And, then he said to me ‘How about you?.. but, can I be honest? I don’t really care’ – and I thought.. yeah.. neither do I.

Here’s the deal: Asking these questions, will give you a little background on things – sure.  BUT, you’re also risking the possibility that this is going to open up one great big can of worms.  I know that I’ve dated a-many men who were not over their exes – and it was a constant worry of mine.  Somewhere deep down – I already KNEW (as always, you ALREADY KNOW the answers to your questions – because your gut is screaming to you!) that these men were not over their exes. My obsessing was totally validated, but that was all the more reason I needed to get out of those relationships.  If there are no red flags about your new beau’s past, DO NOT go searching for some.

I get it. I mean, we all have our insecurities, right?  Being vulnerable to someone else, is a scary place – for some more, than others.  But, do not feed your negative noise.  Do not go looking for something to blow out of proportion, only to self-sabotage your current happiness.  Trust. TRUST! Trust.  If you cant, well then you either A. need to do some soul-searching, and work on yourself – or – B. get the hell out, because your gut is sending you some truth. 

Leave the past, in the past. Any old issue, should be a dead issue. New relationship. New beginning. Anything before it, just doesn’t (and shouldn’t) matter anymore.

Do not mistake landmines for sparks.

Sparks are bullshit. 


My parents have been married for 32 years. For the last 10 years, they have hammered into my head that while relationships take work, they shouldn’t be hard. They’re easy. They’re enjoyable. The good times will heavily outweigh the bad. And, when you meet someone who is genuinely interested – it’s going to be simple. After going on a date recently, with someone who I believe to be a genuine person.. I get it. I get it. I finally get it. What was I doing before ? 

I took a step back and compared this current situation, with anything previous – it all comes back to one thing: Sparks. With this man, there are no “sparks” (and that’s a GOOD thing!).

What a sham! I have come to realize that I (like a lot of you) was equating drama and lust with what I thought to be “sparks”. The excitement of the bad boy, the rollercoaster rides, the over-aggressive guy, the wanting and yearning for his attention, wondering if he’ll call or invite me some place.. All very romantic, right?  Why would a person keep themselves in this position? I wish I could rewind time and dub the noise of an air horn or an explosion upon my initial meeting so many of these boys. 

Guys invented the ‘spark’ so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they’re throwing at you is actually, just a “spark”. And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it.”

But, let’s be honest. I knew ( you KNOW!) – I just didn’t want to believe that these gorgeous men, in all of their emotionally unavailable glory – were NOT for me. These were not good men, these were dangerous boys. My gut was sending up flares for me, but I ignored them every time. Consequently, I had to learn the hard way. 

Sparks are what Disney feeds us when we’re young. It’s what you grow up, looking for. It’s bullshit. Chemistry – that’s the real magic.

Chemistry meaning.. How you vibe with someone.. How your values or humor or whatever it is that is important to you – compliments or is compatible with theirs. A real emotional and physical connection. When that’s all there – You will know at all times where you stand with this person. You will know they’re going to call when they say they will, they’re going to want to see you as much as possible and they’re going to communicate with you when there’s an issue. Why? Because they’re actually interested, and they want this to work. 

Listen, it’s still going to be exciting – just in a very different and amazing way. That pit in your stomach will disappear. I get butterflies every time I’m going to see this new guy, and the second I leave, I’m already missing him.  It’s not sparks, it’s chemistry. Everything is …calm. I’m not sitting by the phone, waiting for his text – or fixating on when I’m going to see him again.. (Even though I want to text and see him all the time!) Because I know, we’re on the same page. 

Wait for the good guy. Believe he’s going to show up (probably when you least expect it). Don’t get sucked into the bad dude’s game. Dodge the bullets. Value your time, and be careful who you give it to. Lastly, if it’s not easy, trust that it’s not right. 



Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing, are the same.





Let’s say you have $100.


You’re not going to spend that $100 on something valued at $50, right? In fact you’re so saavy, you’re going to look for something valued at $110 – to get the most for your money – before you’re willing to give up that bill. And, you sure as hell not going to have to convince someone that your $100 is worth $100, right? 


So, then why is it so many of us have no problem giving up our own worth, in exchange for so little? Or thinking we need to prove our worth for someone to accept us? 

Recently – I was dating someone for the first time, in a long time. It was fantastic. The first week we met, we went on four dates – and by week two, it felt like we were in a full blown relationship. He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. BUT, because this is not my first rodeo, I did a little further investigating. Quickly I realized I was not the only girl on the scene.. And when I had an honest convo about what it was I wanted – it was met with one big NO (sprinkled with some bold face lies, yum!). He did not want to be exclusive. You know what I did? (not what I should have) Shamefully, because I liked him so much, I actually entertained doing things on his terms. 

There it was. Right there, I was giving up my worth. I know who I am, I know what I bring to the table – I most certainly do not need to settle for less than what I want (and neither do you!). 

Now, stepping back from the circumstance.. I’m not sure WHY I was willing to compromise myself. I had romanticized him to be someone he was not. Granted, he was fastly becoming my new bestie.. All we did was laugh.. And I loved the time I spent with him.. But, I was the one doing all the nice things (Bringing him care packages when he was sick, buying him things for his apt, and cooking him late night snacks while he was out partying.. Yes, I’m a good girl – perhaps too good) I was the one sweeping him off his feet (It should be a 50/50 deal). He called me when he felt like it, saw me when he felt like it, and 100% ditched me when everything happened with my dad. (Cough, insensitive jerk, cough!) And, I let this go on – because we set the standard for how people treat us.. Clearly I had lowered my standards – in more ways than one. He was not the person, I imagined him to be. But, sometimes when you’re so involved in a situation, you can’t see the red flags along the way.. Or maybe you just don’t want to see them. 

Regardless, in the end, the message was: I’m not for him. And THATS OKAY. He was not ready for something exclusive – and in my opinion, if I was the right one, he would be ready in an instant.

But ya know what honey: You are not for everyone.

I truly think that’s the biggest pride-pill to swallow. That feeling of ‘What’s wrong with me?’,’What don’t they like?’ ‘Why aren’t I, IT’ – But doing that, you’ll only drive yourself crazy! You are enough. There’s nothing wrong with you. Maybe it’s timing, Maybe it’s a character flaw, Maybe it’s your hair – but you love all of those things about yourself right? So, move on and find someone who knows what they have, when they have you. Moving on, is freedom. Letting go, is a weight off your shoulder. Because, you value yourself more than to keep banging your head against the wall – hoping for a different outcome.

So people.. love yourself – ya feel me?

Don’t try to convince someone of who you are and what you’re worth – bc to the right people, that’s already obvious.. And to the wrong ones, well – that’s why they’re wrong. 

You are not for everyone, but you are for someone. Just remember that. ;)