Because I’m happyyyy!

…and it would appear, overnight, I’m living the life I always wanted.

Suddenly (or perhaps it was being conspired by the universe for quite some time) all of the opportunities I needed, presented themselves at just the right moment.. And now I’m on the ride of my lifetime.

I think I used to see myself as a person floating alone – I had close friends.. Friends that were married with kids, boyfriends, fiances.. which left me sitting alone on weekends. I think we’re all alone, in a sense. Surrounded by our loved ones, always – but on our own in the world. It’s perspective. I was looking at myself lonely and alone – but now, I see myself as adventurous and unstoppable and alone. Alone, I’ll make new friends. Alone, I’ll get my apartment. Alone, I’ll go to the American Comedy Awards and be a seat filler (yeah, that happened). The unknown, alone. How very exciting.

My life is unveiling itself slowly – and it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed it could be. And, while these moments – like so many things in life – may be fleeting.. We must remember to just LIVE in them. Enjoy them for what theyre worth.

Quite the cryptic entry. Apologies.

Just know you are the pilot. You’re in the driver seat for your own life. While you need the circumstances/opportunity to first present itself – make sure when it arrives you run with it.. Take it as far as it can go, and make it everything you want it to be. Sometimes we can’t control our circumstances.. And it’s really easy to feel sorry for yourself. But chin up! Everything, in time. Absolutely everything.

Detox your life!

Sometimes when we’re in something, we can’t see how very bad it is. Can’t see the forest for the trees.

When I was about 22 years old, I started on a three year disaster of a relationship. He was a friend of mine, whom I took as a date to a family event, and our [volatile] romance budded from there.

He had always been a “drinking buddy” of mine, so I didn’t think much of his excessive drunkness – until we started to get closer, and I noticed a pattern. He was an alcoholic. And, an angry one.

Over the course of three years, I watched him self destruct, and every step of the way – I tried with my whole being to save him. I watched him take a hammer to his own limbs – break his brothers skateboard, guitar, anything he could get his hands on, and drink himself numb. He called me every name in the book, and even fought with my dad.. still – I stayed. I spent most of our time hiding bottles and sharp objects from him. I saw who he was sober, and I wanted him that way – all of the time – I believed, he could be that person all of the time.

Now to be clear, as volatile relationships do go, these were not three steady years of toxicity – they were on-and-off one million times over. So, it was in one of our “off” spells, that I got a voicemail from him saying he had food poisoning, and he was going to the hospital.. The next call came from his father – telling me he was in ICU and his liver was failing. He was 25.

After a week in the hospital, I took him home with doctors orders: he could not drink. And for the next sixth months, he was the person I knew he could be. He was loving, caring, selfless – my best friend. But, as nothing gold can stay – this ended abruptly. I picked him up from a Super Bowl party, and he was trashed. I pulled over to the side of the road, told him to get out – and never looked back.

This toxicity is vicious. It’s sneaky. You see, making excuses for him, watching him roll out of bed and drink vodka, the nasty fights – it all became normal. And, because it became normal, I didn’t realize how very NOT normal, and unhealthy it was.

I see these sort of volatile relationships all of the time. In my opinion, (in a friendship or relationship) if you’re taking frequent “breaks” or are on-and-off with someone – those are defining moments – or opportunities rather, to get out of the relationship. You work on a relationship together, not apart. If you have to make excuses for someone, get out. If the people you are closest to tell you they do not like the person you’re dating, take a giant step back, and evaluate.

A side effect of this boyfriend had conditioned me in future relationships to think a fight meant we were breaking up – and that anyone who got drunk, was an alcoholic. There were a lot of thoughts and behaviors I had to un-learn post this messy relationship.

Believe me, I know what you’re thinking – “stupid girl” right? Trust me, I know. I’ve seen Maury. I’ve had these same thoughts. But, I had no idea how bad it was, until I was out of it. I was living day-to-day. I would not wish that situation upon anyone, but if I had to take something away from it – it was a big lesson in worth. Clearly, at 22 I didn’t value myself much. And, it took years of on-and-off runs, to reach my limit – and realize I don’t deserve this. It was also a huge lesson in standing of for myself.  But above all, I learned you can’t save someone – who doesn’t want to save them self.

MY Creative Cube!

As per my post last week about Cubicle Decor – I did it !

I upgraded my cubicle space ! I wouldn’t call it “finished” just yet – but it’s on it’s way to a better place!

This project was super fun and easy! And cost efficient. I used a thicker wrapping paper as my “wallpaper”, food canisters for my paper clips and flowers – and lastly a toothbrush holder for my pens and such. All shopping was done at Home Goods.

BEFORE:
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AFTER:
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I love, love!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just pause and feel blessed? Truly blessed? Like, your heart is so full, it could explode? Those are my Sunday nights.

Every week in my house, the world stops for a few hours, and my family (as much family as everyone’s schedule will allow) get together to eat, catch up on our lives, drink.. Eat and drink more (we’re Italian – what do you expect?). And then, when everyone’s stuffed and drunk, we play ridiculous games and laugh until we cry. Ya know, it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized we never even leave the table (other then to take turns putting on episodes of BubbleGuppies for the babies.. Which btw if you drink enough wine at dinner, the episodes become quite entrancing – but anyways..)

Let me tell you what kind of family I have..

They’re the kind of family that when you get dumped on New Year’s Eve, they cancel all of their plans, no questions asked, and show up at your house to eat mac&cheese and hotdogs with you.

That is real, unconditional love.

Love, real love – is unconditional. That is love in it’s most beautiful form. Watching my family love each other in this way, makes me feel so warm inside. You look around at everyone at the table, and you know their positives – but, also you know their faults, their pain, their struggle, even their demons.. And you take all of that info, and you love. You love anyway. You love because no matter what it is that, that person says or does, it won’t change the fact that you love them. It’s the getting up in the middle of the night, shirt off your back, last dollar in your pocket kind of love- and it’s beautiful.

Now in your lifetime, if you’re lucky enough, you’ll find ONE person that will love you this way. For me, it’s my family – but for you, maybe it’s your best friend – and if you’ve settled down by now, I can only hope you’ve found this in a significant other.

On the flip side, perhaps you’ve landed yourself in some sort of “conditional love” situation – which has you worried that every time you can’t come through on something, or unveil a flaw, the other person is gonna bail.  Well, can I be honest with you? That’s not love. Love is NEVER conditional. Not real love, for another person. It does not depend on what you can do for someone, how many times you call them, or how well you’re behaved.

I am not one to quote the bible (in fact if I had never been to a wedding or two – I wouldn’t even know this verse existed..), but more truer words were never spoken:  Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance … love will last forever.

And, listen – I’m not saying that you don’t reserve the right to revolk your love – there are some circumstances that may present themselves, and at the end of the day – you have to LOVE YOURSELF first.  That is the biggest example of unconditional love you can exhibit. Forgive yourself. Accept your faults. Work out your demons. When you’re able to do this for yourself – it opens you up to accept more of it from others.  Cheers!

 

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