Happy New Year ;)

Linda, Linda – you’re not listening to me!

Or maybe, I just haven’t written in a little bit. Oh. Oops.

In the wake of my return – can I discuss something with you? Great. Thanks.

My 29th birthday is approaching. Ya know what that means? It means my 8 year old self, would think I was ancient. It means I have one last year in my twenties. It means I thought I’d have a lot more things figured out by now. But here I am, entering my birthday week (yes, week.) and I’m settling into a certain mindset.. And I believe it to be a good one.

Here’s how I plan on entering my very own personal New Year.

#1 Drama-free, is the way to be!
I don’t have time to waste listening to your drama – furthermore I do not have time to get wrapped up or involved in it. If you think for one second I’m paying attention to it – please know you are mistaken.. on the inside, I’m rolling my eyes at you more times than I can count. If you’d like to order yourself flowers and pretend they’re from another dude, just to make your kind-of-on-again-off-again boyfriend jealous – go for it.. But No, I won’t write the card for you. And also, you should probably cut that shit out – bc life is really really good and really really easy, once you do. I’ve had one too many ‘friends’ like this – and when I was younger, totally admit to getting wrapped up in this crap. Stop drunk texting your ex. Stop hanging out with people, just to talk behind their back. Get it out of your life, you’ll be better for it. Grow up. Talk it out. Move on. Find a guy that will actually send you flowers himself (they exist).

#2 Get in, with a good crowd.
Surrounding yourself with people who you have common interests in, is huge. It allows you to experience things you want to do, with people who enjoy it as well.. That will consequently make your over all life.. happy! And if this group abides by rule #1, and remains drama free – then double word score ! I have had a brand new cast of characters pretty much fall into my lap recently, and I’ve never felt so lucky. So, go make some friends and do what you love. You’re nearing 30, and there’s a lot of shit you want to do.

#3 The world is much bigger than your mundane routine.
Go see it. Take a day trip. Use your damn vacation days. Splurge. You can always make the money back, and you’ll never regret the memories you made. I’ve taken more trips this summer, than in my whole life – and I’m better for it! Life is short, we don’t know how long we’ve got.. and (depending on what you believe in) you’ve only got one shot at it.. So you better go see some cool stuff.

#4 Downgrade one part of your life, to upgrade another part.
I have never been more determined to save the most amount I can save.. Which means that fancy car you had to have at 25, well maybe it’s time to get a low monthly payment sedan, so that someday in the near future you can have money for a down payment on a house.( #grownupshit ) Downgrade on things that may be unnecessary, so that you can free up your finances for a better life for yourself – whether it’s a bigger house, gym membership, travel or a retirement fund. Get your priorities in order. While you’re at it – sell some stuff on eBay, freelance, – find a way to have a second income.. big or small!

#5 Caution: curves ahead!
I’m currently in the midst of embracing the 29 year old curves, that my 21 year old, 98 lb body did not have. This is a tough one! But, comparing yourself to girls half your age, who do not have your genes, who are half naked on Instagram – well that’s probably going to make you want to grab the fro yo and give up. Let’s give it a positive spin: join the gym and do what you can. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know that you’re in the driver seat.. And while you might never get that old body back, you’re keeping things in check – and taking the steps to become the most strong, confident – and most importantly: healthy – person you can be.. And that is beautiful! Go get yourself some cute sneakers and hit the tred! Sweat is sexy ;) (oh but p.s – know that eating that pasta and ice cream once in awhile is NOT going to kill you – so just shut up and enjoy it)

#6 Stop looking back.
The past is the past for a reason. Whether it’s a friendship, an ex or life circumstance – it’s over. Let it go. Revisiting a relationship of any kind is never usually a good idea.. there’s a reason it didn’t work in the first place. And, that life circumstance that you replay over and over again – that’s not doing you any good either. Stop holding grudges, and stop dwelling over things that no longer matter today. Take a deep breathe, and exhale the bullshit. Free up all that energy. Now go get what it is that the universe actually wants for you.

#7 Your journey is yours, and yours alone.
Stop comparing your life to someone else your age.. Stop comparing your life to what you thought it would look like by your current age.. Stop looking at the babies and rings on your Facebook feed. Your journey is yours. You will get these things when and if you’re supposed to – and while you should always remain open to the possibility of anything your heart desires – do not look for these things to happen. You can not and do not want to force them into existence. Enjoy your life.. It’s happening right now.. While you’re busy worrying about all that other shit, you’re missing the good parts. (And while you’re at it, stop caring what other people thinkkk your journey should be – or what they think at all, about anything !)

Above all, live a life of gratitude.. Feel blessed for everything and everyone you have. Do not settle for anything less than happy. If you’re not feeling fulfilled with your job or your relationship, or any other part of your life, get out! Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Yup!

I’m finishing out a strong 28, and I can honestly say I feel like 29 is about to be my best year yet.

I hope the same for you.

Because I’m happyyyy!

…and it would appear, overnight, I’m living the life I always wanted.

Suddenly (or perhaps it was being conspired by the universe for quite some time) all of the opportunities I needed, presented themselves at just the right moment.. And now I’m on the ride of my lifetime.

I think I used to see myself as a person floating alone – I had close friends.. Friends that were married with kids, boyfriends, fiances.. which left me sitting alone on weekends. I think we’re all alone, in a sense. Surrounded by our loved ones, always – but on our own in the world. It’s perspective. I was looking at myself lonely and alone – but now, I see myself as adventurous and unstoppable and alone. Alone, I’ll make new friends. Alone, I’ll get my apartment. Alone, I’ll go to the American Comedy Awards and be a seat filler (yeah, that happened). The unknown, alone. How very exciting.

My life is unveiling itself slowly – and it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed it could be. And, while these moments – like so many things in life – may be fleeting.. We must remember to just LIVE in them. Enjoy them for what theyre worth.

Quite the cryptic entry. Apologies.

Just know you are the pilot. You’re in the driver seat for your own life. While you need the circumstances/opportunity to first present itself – make sure when it arrives you run with it.. Take it as far as it can go, and make it everything you want it to be. Sometimes we can’t control our circumstances.. And it’s really easy to feel sorry for yourself. But chin up! Everything, in time. Absolutely everything.

Detox your life!

Sometimes when we’re in something, we can’t see how very bad it is. Can’t see the forest for the trees.

When I was about 22 years old, I started on a three year disaster of a relationship. He was a friend of mine, whom I took as a date to a family event, and our [volatile] romance budded from there.

He had always been a “drinking buddy” of mine, so I didn’t think much of his excessive drunkness – until we started to get closer, and I noticed a pattern. He was an alcoholic. And, an angry one.

Over the course of three years, I watched him self destruct, and every step of the way – I tried with my whole being to save him. I watched him take a hammer to his own limbs – break his brothers skateboard, guitar, anything he could get his hands on, and drink himself numb. He called me every name in the book, and even fought with my dad.. still – I stayed. I spent most of our time hiding bottles and sharp objects from him. I saw who he was sober, and I wanted him that way – all of the time – I believed, he could be that person all of the time.

Now to be clear, as volatile relationships do go, these were not three steady years of toxicity – they were on-and-off one million times over. So, it was in one of our “off” spells, that I got a voicemail from him saying he had food poisoning, and he was going to the hospital.. The next call came from his father – telling me he was in ICU and his liver was failing. He was 25.

After a week in the hospital, I took him home with doctors orders: he could not drink. And for the next sixth months, he was the person I knew he could be. He was loving, caring, selfless – my best friend. But, as nothing gold can stay – this ended abruptly. I picked him up from a Super Bowl party, and he was trashed. I pulled over to the side of the road, told him to get out – and never looked back.

This toxicity is vicious. It’s sneaky. You see, making excuses for him, watching him roll out of bed and drink vodka, the nasty fights – it all became normal. And, because it became normal, I didn’t realize how very NOT normal, and unhealthy it was.

I see these sort of volatile relationships all of the time. In my opinion, (in a friendship or relationship) if you’re taking frequent “breaks” or are on-and-off with someone – those are defining moments – or opportunities rather, to get out of the relationship. You work on a relationship together, not apart. If you have to make excuses for someone, get out. If the people you are closest to tell you they do not like the person you’re dating, take a giant step back, and evaluate.

A side effect of this boyfriend had conditioned me in future relationships to think a fight meant we were breaking up – and that anyone who got drunk, was an alcoholic. There were a lot of thoughts and behaviors I had to un-learn post this messy relationship.

Believe me, I know what you’re thinking – “stupid girl” right? Trust me, I know. I’ve seen Maury. I’ve had these same thoughts. But, I had no idea how bad it was, until I was out of it. I was living day-to-day. I would not wish that situation upon anyone, but if I had to take something away from it – it was a big lesson in worth. Clearly, at 22 I didn’t value myself much. And, it took years of on-and-off runs, to reach my limit – and realize I don’t deserve this. It was also a huge lesson in standing of for myself.  But above all, I learned you can’t save someone – who doesn’t want to save them self.